What A Year!

It’s exactly a year to the day that New York City — and much of the world, really — shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It started with a sigh of relief that everyone could shelter in place and not be out on the streets, unnecessarily exposing themselves to the virus; however, after the first three or four weeks, as cabin fever and the ‘there’s no end in sight’ thoughts started to pour in, a whole spectrum of emotions that ran the gamut from optimism, to doubt, anxiety, and fear reverberated across the globe.

Looking back, I could only sum it up with these words: What a year it had been! As much as I loathed not being able to travel for months on end, the downtime has encouraged me to take stock of what I have been blessed with, learn the lessons that were staring me in the face, embrace the season of rest that God gave, and focus on the things that matter.

The pandemic is far from over. Although vaccines have been developed and several people have received them, the coronavirus is still a global threat to the population’s health and economy; but hope is shining through. Life in the city has started to pick up again: school buildings are open for in-person learning, restaurants for indoor dining, and movie theaters are putting up Now Showing signs again. God is faithful!

A Girl You Should Date by Nona Merah

Twelve or so years ago, I came across a WordPress article that resonated so deeply. A friend posted it on Facebook and I saved it on my page. However, when I opened the link to the original article, it was gone. The author deleted it. It’s a good thing that I found it posted somewhere else by another girl. I’m reposting it here so I won’t lose it again.

I love the article not so much for the suggestion–date a girl who reads–but more so because it accurately describes someone like me who is a lover of books. From the “always have an unread book in her bag” to “the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop”, it’s almost like the author was talking about me. I found it so refreshing that there’s a kindred spirit out there who gets it, this love for books.

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A Girl You Should Date (Nona Merah)

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

Worth It

My fiancé asked me a thoughtful question this morning, something I’ve often asked in the past: Since God knew how everything would turn out with Lucifer and the rest of His creation, why did He still go through with all of it?

It wasn’t until recently that I thought of a likely theory for why God didn’t just call the whole creation thing off: it will be worth it, all of it. He knew we, humans, would make a big mess of things but he still created us because He saw the END and saw something there that would make it worth all the mess.

I don’t think this idea has any Biblical basis at all — at least, not that I know of — but it is an encouraging thought that occurred to me one day as I was mulling all the things I have gone through in the past and how all the heartaches and troubles and issues have all been worth it thus far to live the life I am enjoying now. This thought has also encouraged me every single day as I navigated around all the challenges — emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual — this pandemic has posed. This thought also continues to strengthen my trust in a God who sees the beginning from the end and in whose hands my future is secure.

So yeah, I think in the end it will all be worth it.

Ravens

“It will always look little but it will never run out.” (Steven Furtick)

Finances. Food. Faith. Sometimes our provisions — physically and spiritually — could seem meager and dangerously running low. I have found myself in situations where I thought there will be none left when I wake up the following morning. Would I still have money for subway fare next week? Would I have enough for one meal the following day? Would I have the ability to pay rent next month? Would my faith hold? How long before my peace runs out and chaos sets in? How long before my trust in God is irrevocably broken? But though my pantry only had one can of corned beef left in it, somehow I didn’t die of hunger; though I questioned God every night, somehow my relationship with Him survived that difficult season.

When you are scraping the bottom of the barrel and trying to conserve whatever you have left, hope threatens to let go of the already flimsy thread it’s hanging on to. Despair is a natural reaction to adversity. It’s what millions of people are dealing with at present as a result of this COVID-19 pandemic. The loss of jobs are threatening families’ abilities to feed their children or keep the houses they’ve worked their entire lives to build. It’s a valid concern and the fear and anxiety felt by these families are as real as the noonday sun.

We could pray for them and encourage them with the truth that God has promised to SUPPLY all of our needs; how He sent ravens to bring bread to Elijah; how He kept the Israelites alive in the desert for 40 years by giving them manna and quail; how He fed 5,000 people by multiplying 2 fishes and 5 loaves of bread; and how He caused a widow’s supply of flour and oil to never run out. Prayer and encouragement are important and sufficient because God is powerful; but if we are able, we can be the ‘ravens’ God uses to bring them bread; we can be the reason they survive another month of this pandemic by giving them ‘manna and quail’. We may not be able to give them much, but God is able to multiply the two fishes and five loaves we give them.

Someone I know sets aside a portion of his income for something he calls a ‘benevolent fund’ — a pool of finances he draws from whenever someone approaches him with a need. He said that this puts him in a position to give whenever it’s necessary. The first time he told me about this, I cried (in secret, of course). I cried because how many of us have thought about this? How many of us are concerned beyond our own needs? If he were someone who had bank accounts all over the world such as the likes of Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, or Jeff Bezos, it wouldn’t be as heartwarming because whatever they give is neglible to their bottomline plus they get tax relief out of it. This person I know, however, is just like us — income earners who have enough to live comfortable lives; but unlike most of us, he is willing to be God’s hands and feet in this world that is in dire need of it.

Our generation is starving from one thing: kindness. We go out to the streets to fight for causes we believe in, we post awareness messages on social media, we talk loud, even argue with anyone who is not on board with our principles. I’m not saying these are wrong, but how many of us do the actual work of making a difference in people’s lives? How many of us would respond to a need when we have the ability to do so?

When my resources were dwindling and I found myself at rock bottom, God sent me ‘ravens’. If we all look back, we’d realize He’s done the same thing to all of us one way or another. Someone, somewhere could really use a ‘raven’ right now.

Again and Again

There are some things you’d rather forget; especially those that trigger thoughts you’d rather not think and emotions you’d rather not feel. During this pandemic season, my fiancé and I have frequently discussed the importance of intentionally choosing to dwell instead on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, excellent or praiseworthy” (Philippians 4:8 NIV). This led me to erase my last two posts. I am aware that I would not be able to entirely erase them from my memory, but I can definitely erase them from my blog. Ha!

These afternoon musings on memories were set off by my trying to recall bits and pieces of what transpired in the last 15 years. I have been writing a book containing stories of my experiences in New York City and there are certain moments I remember like they happened yesterday and a lot that are blurry and all but faded. But there is a significant lesson that I mulled over with these reminiscences: God can do the SAME THING again.

An IGTV video posted by Life.Church featured Ptr. Robert Madu teaching on how God can do things AGAIN. He talked about how Jesus performed the miracle of feeding the multitudes TWICE: once with the 5,000 and a few months later with the 4,000. He said, “…if God did something miraculous once, how many of you know He has the power to do it again? That if God healed you once, He can heal you again. That if God opened a door once, He can open up a door again. He can do it again! Oh, come on! Please do not let this pandemic make you nervous and question the power of your God. Because if He did it once, He can do it again. Some of you need to rehearse the history of all the things that God has brought you from and all the things that He’s done. And it is your history with God that should give you strength and faith for what you’re facing now. Because if He did it once, He can do it AGAIN!”

What a reminder! God has indeed opened doors of opportunity, healed my body, provided for my basic necessities, protected me from harm and danger, sustained the people I love, gave me the trivial things I ask for… not once, not twice, but over and over again. Yet when uncertainties came, my initial reactions could be characterized as filled with anxiety, concern, worry, even fear. Despite my ‘history’ with God, my human frailty takes over and it takes a lot of conscious effort and intentionality to remember God’s faithfulness, trust in WHO He is — my Father — and rest in the knowledge that He does not bless me because I deserve it but because I am His precious daughter and He loves me.

It’s a simple truth. I’ve heard it so many times before. Today, however, this simple truth filled me with such joy I could eat a gallon of ice cream! (I know a lot of people eat ice cream when they’re sad; I, however, crave for it when I’m happy. So yeah, it’s an ‘order ice cream for delivery’ kind of day.)

(Un)Happy Thoughts

I found this old poem that I wrote from years ago (2013? 2014? 2015?… not sure). When I read it last week I tried to recall the memory attached to it but I couldn’t. Perhaps, there are none. Perhaps, I simply wrote it because it’s a reality for some people. I do find it to be quite profound how certain thoughts that used to make one happy now causes such sadness.

When a happy thought brings tears

You fold it neatly inside a memory 

And hide it under a pile of unrelated moments

You ignore its presence in your mind

And pretend it’s not a big gorilla

That eclipses your own shadow

Each night you push it over the cliff of your subconscious

And hope that for at least a night

It won’t climb up your dreams

As your eyes open to a morning of reminiscences

You blink it away with trivial ideas

And exchange it for shallow, fleeting moments of relief

 

But you delude yourself

You can’t brush it off any more than you can stop a breath

You remember every second, every scene

And as the joy of the memory comes with a gut punch of pain

You sink in a quick sand of wishes

And you go down, down, down

In the hopes that the depths

Would erase what you couldn’t

Here’s To…

A colleague recently broke up with her partner of 20+ years and as she unburdened her sorrows I couldn’t help but cry with her. It took me three days to process the sadness I felt after I heard her version of the story.

As I was thinking of ways to encourage her, I decided to write a poem about what she’s going through. However, when I got to the part where I wanted to offer words of hope, I couldn’t seem to come up with them. So I enlisted my boyfriend’s help and he did such a wonderful job.

So for anyone who’s going through a rough patch in their relationships and could use some beautiful words to uplift your spirits, here’s a poem for you:

https://thatdecemberday.blogspot.com/2019/07/heres-to.html?m=1

44 (Update)

Sometime in the year 1998 or 1999, my friends and I were talking about crushes, relationships, and marriage. We were a group of young and giddy girls who knew nothing much about life, let alone men. In an effort to steer us down the right path, our cellgroup leader from church advised us to ask God for the kind of man we’d like to spend the rest of our lives with. She suggested that we write a list of traits (from the most critical to the most petty) that we’d like that man to have, to be as specific with our descriptions as possible, and to not limit God.

I thought it was a great exercise and I came up with a list of 44 items. But I was so convinced that there was no way anyone alive in my generation would have all 44. It was too specific and too ideal, I thought. In my mind, I saw God shaking His head saying, “Oh, you poor thing.” But I decided to believe in the possibility that a man made of flesh and blood with those detailed traits actually exists.

When I started this blog in 2004, I thought I should publish the list and put my faith out there for everyone to read. As the years went by without meeting anyone who fit the bill (not even half the bill), I have accepted the fact that this man only exists in my dreams. Maturity and experience have taught me that there are certain things in life that you don’t get no matter how much you want them. So I trimmed that list down to the non-negotiables. The other stuff are superfluous anyway. I told myself that as long as he has a great character (kind and honest, specifically), a man after God’s own heart, someone whose leadership I can submit to because of his own dependence and submission to God and His will, and we both love each other, then I’ll choose him. But God had something else in mind and He had a surprise up his sleeves.

Years passed and nothing. Even with the list down to a few things, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. Well, not that I was actively looking for the needle anyway. I’ve had suitors who were fine men of character and integrity, yet somehow I didn’t feel like choosing any of them. Perhaps, subconsciously I was still hoping for “44”. Or perhaps having a boyfriend was the farthest thing from my mind. All I wanted to do was travel and enjoy the gift of life God has given me. Whatever it was, I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t in a rush to commit to anyone. And I’m glad I took my time.

On April 2018, I went back to my hometown to be with my family because my uncle passed away. It was a sad time and I didn’t plan on getting together with any of my friends because I was only there for a few days and I was not in the mood to socialize. One of my closest friends texted me and asked if I had time for a road trip. I didn’t but I figured that I could have dinner with him because he is so easy to be with plus he has a calming effect on me for some reason. He’s one of those people who has a sweet spirit that just being around him is a pleasant experience.

Dinner, coffee, and a late night conversation later, I realized how much this man has changed. In the 16 or 17 years we’ve been friends, I have not seen him the way I saw him that night. The following day after a midweek church service, we had another round of coffee and blueberry cheesecake and more deep conversations.

I remember sitting there and wondering, “Hmmm… this is interesting. M is really different. A good different. He’s someone any woman would be blessed to marry.” And it surprised me when I thought that if something else opens up for both of us other than friendship, I won’t be opposed to it. In all the years that passed between us, I never thought of him in that sense. But I left it at that and forgot about it when I came back to New York.

Four months later, in August, I went back to my hometown for the summer break. M and I went on a road trip through the mountains of Balamban (a town in Cebu) to buy some rice cakes. On that long drive, I saw a deep vulnerability that was so endearing it made me want to reach out and hug him. I didn’t but I wish I did. The conversation we had about life, past relationships, struggles, and dreams reminded me of those two nights in April and I felt our friendship deepen.

M is so genuine and honest and is not afraid to look weak; and that’s such an admirable trait. It takes strength, courage, and deep security in a great God to admit one’s shortcomings. Where most men would put up a front to appear as though they have it all together, M is not pretentious at all and I really love that about him. And did I mention that he’s one of the kindest people I know? Even his eyes are kind! I remembered what I thought about in April and it made me smile.

I think something changed (a subtle change but a change nonetheless) occurred on that Balamban trip because where in the past we only texted each other when there was some news we needed to share, our communication intensified and became more regular after that; which I chalked up to the natural progression of a friendship. Despite the thousands of miles between us, we actually got closer.

Another four months later, I went back to my hometown to spend Christmas with my family. M and I agreed to do a road trip for two days. At the end of the first day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted. It was not a hard decision to make. I think it’s because I have already made that choice subconsciously 8 months earlier.

It’s been quite a ride so far. God has slowly been unwrapping this wonderful gift before our eyes and we consider ourselves blessed. I am definitely blessed to have this man in my life. He is quite a treasure! I’m excited to see what lies ahead, what God has in store for both us, and how He will unfold everything.

And remember that list of 44 I made? He’s a 44+. Over the past few months, I am discovering things about this man that blew my mind because they are things I didn’t ask for; they’re more like icing on the cake such as the fact that he loves a lot of the same things I love like walking, the beach, wide open spaces, photography, quiet and secluded spots, intimate weddings, puns, dogs, cheesecake, sizzling steak from Orange Brutus (a fastfood chain), Jollibee (another fastfood chain), coffee, puzzles, sunsets, the night sky, etc. It’s more like God saying, “I know you didn’t ask for it, but I’m giving it to you anyway. Because I love you that much.”

It’s really true what they say, great things come to those who wait.

Respect in a Marriage

I saw a clip of one of Dr. Myles Munroe’s teachings where he said that husbands don’t need love from their wives as much as they need respect. He went on to say that it’s unfortunate how a lot of men nowadays don’t get that from their wives and I thought that’s really sad.

Respect is one of the basic things you can afford another human being. If it’s important to respect the people you work with or your friends, how much more the man you married? My boyfriend made a really great point about how sometimes things happen in a marriage that could lead to a loss of respect. He presented scenarios such as physical or emotional abuse and infidelity. And I agree with him.

It’s just sad that a lot of couples give up on their marriages right away. A loss of respect is a big thing but I’ve heard of married couples who broke up for something as trivial as, “We just don’t get along anymore”.

A marriage, like any relationship, goes through cycles and seasons. There will be rough patches and bad days but the couple must make a conscious decision every day to make their marriage work. And if respect is lost for some reason, then both should strive to fix what’s been broken.

I firmly believe that there is nothing in a marriage that is insurmountable, and yes, even infidelity. Once the two people involved are committed to make things work, with God’s help, nothing is impossible.

And to reiterate Dr. Munroe’s point, wives respecting their husbands is not optional, it’s imperative. I am not yet married but I know that any relationship thrives on mutual respect. I have watched my parents my whole life and how they love, honor, and respect each other and I could only hope that my own marriage (someday) would be as strong. From watching them and other couples and from the written works and preachings I’ve read and heard about marriage, I’ve picked up a thing or two on how to have a happy one that endures:

1. Listen to each other’s point of view and respect them.

2. When you disagree, don’t resort to anger and never raise your voice. A screaming match would only escalate things.

3. You don’t have to win an argument but you do need to win your marriage. Your relationship with your spouse is more important than being right or having the last say.

4. Never withhold affection.

5. Be quick to give a kind word and avoid saying things that could leave deep wounds.

6. Notice and call out the praiseworthy things about your spouse, their character, their talents, or even how they look great in a blue shirt; no matter how trivial, magnify those good things over the annoying ones.

7. Always seek to serve rather than be served. And don’t keep a record of who has done what. Marriage is not a competition.

8. Be each other’s #1 fan and supporter; encourage each other’s dreams.

9. Be sensitive to and understand each other’s needs (including the physical ones).

10. Wives should submit to and respect their husband’s leadership. There is no room for a power struggle in a marriage (That’s why, ladies, it is important to choose a Godly man you can submit to. Someone who is submitted to God and trusts in His leading.)

11. Communicate.

I’m sure there are more things that could be added to this list. I’m keeping these ones in mind for now.

Beautiful

I had a friend in grade school who no one liked and I didn’t understand why. She was kind, funny, intelligent, generous, sweet, talented (read: she wrote a song at 8 years old!), and a really great friend. She was one of my favorite people. Sure, she stuttered and she got teased for it. And as if that wasn’t enough to lower the estimation she had of herself, she got teased for her looks as well. As I grew older, I figured out that those kids only saw how she was on the outside and wrote her off because she was not “pretty” like they were. Even my other friends have written her off.

It’s sad that as early as 5 years old, we learn to favor those who look “nice”. Is it because we grew up playing with Barbie and Ken dolls? I think that because of our fallen nature we are predisposed to initially judge people based on their superficial attributes. And it’s only when we get to really know them that we find out how right or how wrong we were to begin with. The problem is, we seldom get past what we see with our eyes. Sometimes, we don’t even bother to connect or get to know people who, in our estimation, are not worth our time because of how they look on the outside: too tall, too skinny, eyes are too big, etc. And the opposite could be true as well. We wouldn’t talk to a gorgeous guy because they’re “too pretty” for us. How many meaningful friendships have we missed out on because of this?

I am not going to pretend that I have not been guilty of judging based on first impressions. I, too, was once an immature person who had some growing up to do (still do) like everyone else. But ever since I moved to New York and met people from different cultures who have different standards of beauty and worked with children with special needs with varying types of physical and intellectual disability, I have learned that everyone is beautiful. You just have to know how to look. And I’m not even referring to inner beauty. I have learned to look into a person’s eyes and see how they sparkle when they talk about something that interests them, how they smile when they see something that makes them happy, how their lips move, or how their eyebrows dance.

Things (or people) are beautiful not because they’re perfect; they’re beautiful because you see them as such.

Middle Earth

The thought of going on a road trip to New Zealand in less than two months fills me with excitement. My boyfriend and I have been planning this adventure since January and since then my dreams have been of enchanting landscapes.

I have heard so much about this place and seen hundreds and hundreds of captivating shots on Instagram. To say that I’m eagerly counting down the days is an understatement. What could be a more thrilling way to spend your summer vacation than fly halfway across the globe where it’s winter time? I don’t know about you but that fascinates me to no end.

The itinerary is set, cars reserved, and hotels booked. All that’s left to be done is buy the plane tickets. I know that things could still change between now and then. Some circumstances are unavoidable and I have prepared my heart for the alternative. But I believe in a God who can make a way in the desert, part the oceans, and make the sun stop in its tracks. Unless He says, “Don’t go,” I will keep on walking along the path I’m in right now.

Middle Earth, see you soon!

The God I Met

Growing up I’ve had this longing, a desire for something I can’t name. No matter how happy or satisfied I am with my life, there’s a tug underneath, covered in layers of emotions, hidden below intricate thoughts, and enveloped within the confines of my soul. And one day, I figured it out: I need God.

Not the God of church folks who worship on Sunday and go about their daily lives on Monday without so much as a glance towards Him they supposedly love. Not the God you run to only when you’re in trouble or need something. Not the God who has wonderful promises to those who belong to Him.

The God I met is one who knows my dirtiest secret, most evil thought, and most selfish plan. This God has seen the worst version of me, heard every hurtful word I uttered, and saw all the bad things I did behind closed doors. Yet, with every unsavory idea I came up with, He didn’t flinch. Every time I did something that was the exact opposite of holy, He didn’t cringe. For every falsehood I spoke, every unkind gesture, and every tantrum I threw, He didn’t look away. He was with me in the darkest places I went to, the deepest holes I could possibly dig myself into, and the farthest from anything that is good and pure my mind could muster. And yet He never left. This God knows everything about me but loves me nonetheless.

The God I met took me out of my mess, plucked me from the trenches, and put me in his scarred hand where I am safe and secure. He gave me back what I have lost and then some. And even though there are no obvious reasons to celebrate, His love gives me a reason to rejoice every day.

I pray you meet Him as well. He is waiting.

Record

It’s tempting to delete every record of every thought I have written, especially when they now sound hollow and some no longer true. But I did that once, years ago, and regretted it because it would’ve been nice if I could read those words again and marvel at how different things were, or how different I was, back then.

As I read posts from my past life, I’m often confronted by the realization that things can either take time to change or as quickly as sinking sand. And that in itself could both be scary and beautiful at the same time.

I think I’ll keep them all. Some of them are reminders of things I’d rather forget; but they’re testaments to the goodness of God. So I’ll keep them and maybe someday my children would read them and know me a little better.

On Hands and Knees

I saw a powerful sight in church today. Ptr. Carter caught his wife’s (Ptr. Teresa) attention, whispered something in her ear, pointed to a woman, standing close to the raised stage platform, who responded to the altar call. The next thing that happened was so inspiring it turned my heart to mush and made me cry.

Ptr. Teresa went down on her hands and knees on the edge of the stage so she could interact with the woman her husband pointed to. Ptr. Teresa then proceeded to lay hands on the woman, prayed for her, and comforted her as she cried. All while on her knees (sitting a bit on her heels), a position that must’ve been uncomfortable for someone in her mid 60s, who was wearing heels and a skirt.

The humility and obedience with which Ptr. Teresa responded to God’s prompting that was spoken through her husband is something that will stay with me for a long time. How many women would roll their eyes when their husbands ask them to do something that looked as uncomfortable as what Ptr. Teresa did? How many women would tell their husbands to do it themselves? How many would ignore such a request from their husbands?

One reason marriages fail is when wives don’t respect their husbands’ God-given authority to lead. The word “submission” is so repugnant to so many in this “equal rights for women” generation that couples find themselves in a power struggle that could’ve easily been avoided if both parties recognize their role in the marriage. When God speaks to the man in the family and the woman does not listen to that man…

Ptr. Carter could’ve done it himself. He does it often during altar calls when he would kneel at the edge of the stage and minister to certain people (men or women) who have responded to the altar call. But maybe, there was a specific need for his wife to do it instead. He asked, she said yes. Powerful.

(And by the way, after the prayer, Ptr. Carter helped his wife up and gave her a kiss on the cheek. #RelationshipGoals)

 

To Give Or To Receive

It’s better to give than to receive.

I thought that I got the message of this nugget of wisdom.  But, as I was walking along Roosevelt Avenue on my way to the train station, I realized that there’s more to it than the difference in the level of satisfaction one feels when he gives rather than receives.

There is a necessity factor involved.  I would rather be giving to fulfill a need than be the one in need.  I wouldn’t mind offering days and nights of prayer for someone other than myself.  Everytime I pray for myself, I feel like I’m wasting my time because I believe that I wasn’t made for myself.  My life was meant for more than praying for my needs and making sure that I’m okey.  I was meant to intercede for my brothers and sisters.  To engage in warfare on their behalf.

It’s not a good feeling, being in need.  I have been through a very uncertain time in my life.  All I could think of was how I would survive the thought of my family’s extreme concern for my well-being during that time.  Knowing that it was affecting them so much was almost too much for me to handle.  I don’t ever want to be in that situation ever again.  I don’t ever want to have that feeling of desperation that I almost turned my back on God and forgot all of the promises that He has given me.  Extreme fear does that to a person.

Father, thank you for taking me out of that place.  You have led me on solid ground and my steps are now steady.  I am no longer filled with dread considering the what-if’s.  Thank you for never letting go of my hand. The past 12 years were both the worst and the best 12 years of my life.  It was a life of contrasts.  I was celebrating the victory of my being here but at the same time fearing that it could be taken away just as abruptly.  I was so afraid, Father.  So afraid.  But, you have comforted my fears and given me the victory and the assurance that this is my portion and my cup, my inheritance, my destiny.  And it will not be taken away from me.  Thank you for being with me all this time.  Even during the times that I uttered harsh words that wounded your heart.  My only prayer is that you don’t allow me to go through that suffering and torture ever again.  Let me be the giver, not the other way around.

Love-Trust-Love

I have a lot of reasons to doubt other people. A lot of varied ways to suspect them. But, I chose to trust. Not because they trust me the same way (although that’s one of them), but because I was called to LOVE. My God has called me to LOVE. And I have learned that trust and love go together.

You can’t say you love somebody and not trust him. If you can’t trust someone, then you don’t really love him. And if you don’t love, then you haven’t gotten Jesus’ message.

It’s hard. Really, really, really hard. What if the person has proven that he’s unworthy? Love. What if the only thing he does is hurt you? Love. Oh what a very difficult command to obey.

But, God never said that we wouldn’t fail every now and then. He never said it was going to be easy.

So Father, help me!

Anchor Me

I imagine anchors are big. They should be, right? Sometimes I wish I was born to an obscenely rich clan if only to have the privilege of owning a big yacht so I can see for myself how big anchors really are. Yeah, it does sound juvenile but I have been fascinated by anchors since I learned how to sing “Popeye the sailor man”. I couldn’t draw a lot of things but I can draw them with my eyes closed.

No, I am not into sailing (at least, not yet) and I have not travelled by boat often enough, so real-life anchors have eluded me so far. But I did learn a few details from the websites of companies who make them.

The bigger your vessel, the bigger the anchor. Of course. However, it’s not just the size of the boat that they take into consideration. Wind, water surge, and the holding bottom also figure into the calculation. That got me thinking about the parallels of that sizing principle in real life.

A CEO of the biggest bank in the world (big boat) anchored by the size of his 401K (small anchor), a famous movie star (big boat) anchored by adoring fans (small anchor), a published author (big boat) anchored by his talent (small anchor)… me (small boat) anchored by a BIG God (big anchor). Who would you rather be?

FATHER, I AM SMALL AND THE SLIGHTEST OF WINDS SHAKE ME, RIG, SAILS, AND HULL. BUT YOU HAVE ANCHORED ME INTO SOMETHING FAR DEEPER THAN YOUR HEART ALL THE WAY TO THE VERY CORE. SO THOUGH THE SEAS ARE ROUGH AND THE WIND UNKIND, I SHALL STAY AFLOAT, WITH MY BILGE EXPOSED (MAYBE), BUT FLOATING. SO I SHALL KEEP PRAISING YOU, EVEN IN THE STORM.

Mimicking Truth

There are some things that I simply couldn’t shake off.  One of them is reading the thoughts of people I know and seeing something other than what they wrote.  Believe me, I don’t intentionally search for the unwritten.  And what used to come as a surprise was how I always ended up being right.  Now, it’s just something that I hope I could do away with.

It’s amazing how lies could be glossed over and glammed up or dressed down and dirtied just to mimic what is true.

Beautiful and Wonderful

I read about Gideon today in the book of Judges and I see so much of myself in him. Gideon is not a strong man. He said so himself. He’s the least among his brothers and he belongs to the weakest tribe in Israel. But God chose him to deliver his people from the Midianites who have oppressed them.

God chooses the foolish things, the weak, the insignificant. So that when victory is won, no one can boast but only God will be glorified. So if you’re battling against insecurity today, remember that regardless of how you assess yourself, God sees value in you. Gideon thought poorly of himself but God thought otherwise.

How many times have we allowed people to make us look down on ourselves? Too skinny. Too fat. Too clumsy. Too stupid. We take the opinion of others as gospel truth, especially when 2 or more confirm it. And so much so when we agree. Before we knew it, we start comparing ourselves with others and how we can never seem to measure up.

Let us look to the cross. Everything that matters is reflected right there. If God didn’t think us too ugly to die for, what gives us (or other people) the right to contradict Him. Beautifully and wonderfully made, that’s what we are. Let’s start with that truth.

The Day I Learned To Define Adventure

I have convinced myself that I am the type of person who loves adventure. As I took stock, I realized that apart from the occasional roller coaster ride, the impromptu trips to other places, and my love for travel, I have not really lived a life of adventure. Such an existence involves risk.

Last Sunday, my roommate and I went to eat at our favorite Japanese/Asian Fusion restaurant. I have been to that place a lot but I realized that of their 50 something dishes, I have only tried 7. I have always thought that it’s because I couldn’t stand food waste. I make sure that I only buy food that I know I will like and not end up throwing to the garbage. I didn’t pause to consider that maybe I don’t have an adventurous palate.

When it comes to relationships, I am not one who collects friends. My circle is not that big. I can count in one hand the number of souls I can trust my life with. Like I said in a previous post, I’m something of an anti-social. But I will go to the ends of the earth with the handful of friends that I have. They’re golden.

I’m not sure if my conclusion could be attributed to the fact that I don’t have a spirit of adventure or that I see it the wrong way. Perhaps, it’s really not about thrill rides or being lost in a new place. Adrenaline-pumping activities may really not be the soul of it. Isn’t walking out the front door to go to work everyday not an adventure in itself? Isn’t life itself an adventure considering that nothing remains the same? Change is an adventure!

All I know is that I may prefer being safely cocooned in my comfort zone, I don’t necessarily shy away from all things new. I may not be out there exploring the wildlife of America, but I walk along the streets of Times Square everyday hoping to God I don’t get trampled in a stampede. So yeah, I guess adventure is how you see it.

Rebuild This City

Father, here I am, in the city where you wanted me to be. And I’m crying for mercy in behalf of its people. I’m standing in the gap for every soul living in each borough. Drive out fear and anxiety… fear of hunger, of losing jobs, of not being able to make ends meet, fear of the unknown. Look upon us with kind eyes and supply all of our needs. Draw us to yourself, lead us to the cross where you have shed your blood and lead us to repentance. Take away the scourge of the enemy upon us. Break the strongholds of poverty, immorality, perversion, corruption, and the conscious desire to get ahead of everybody. Heal our relationships. Enable us to look at our neighbors with love and not disgust. Penetrate the shell that we have placed around our hearts and help us see the people around us. Let us not continue going in our prideful ways and sneer at others we think are lesser than ourselves.

Guide our leaders and everybody whom you have given authority over this city. Let the winds and the waters of revival blow and wash over them first. Whisper to them your wonderful plans for this city and melt their hearts so they would work according to your will. Guide them in yhe decisions that they make. Don’t let their sin encumber them. Lead them to repentance, Father.

I can sense that you are getting ready to visit this country. I pray that you will find hearts here who will accept you. If not, prepare us oh Lord. Don’t pass us by. Perform wonders in this city as you have done when you’ve walked the earth. Heal the sick, heal the broken hearted, give hope to the hopeless, help the needy. Turn our faces up to you and let us remember what we have forgotten, that your love is constant and though our sins have separated us from you it hasn’t made you love us any less. You have not forgotten this city, Father. We are the apple of your eyes. Come to our aid now for we are weak and our spirits are broken. Restore to us the promises that you have pronounced over us all those many years ago. Restore love and charity to this place. Change our hearts oh God. Make it ever true an always running after you. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

You Cannot Win!

Now, I know. You want me out of here because I am threatening your work. I put a halt to the progress you have made. My presence is driving you nuts. This place is covered because of my prayers. And you would have none of that.

Well, guess what? I’m here to stay and there’s nothing you can do to kick me out. This place is mine. I will defeat you right here. You have no foothold here anymore. You can no longer go on oppressing the people in this place. I won’t allow you. Pack your bags and leave and never come back. I won’t back down. I will keep watch by the gates. If you come back, I will not be merciful. I would drive you out with such severity you’d wish you were dead. Did you really think you can keep enslaving and oppressing these people that I love just because you can? Now, you can’t and you’re still trying to claw your way in. Your tactics are not lost on me and I will fight you. I am not afraid anymore. Not when I know I have Righteousness on my side.

So satan, bite the dust!

A Bite of the Forbidden Fruit

Ever since I have opened my world to everything Apple, my financial viability is slowly becoming a thing of the past. It all started with a harmless iPod. Then I ditched my PC for a MacBook. When the iPhone 3G came out, I switched to AT&T’s highly suspect network against my own better judgment. Last week’s unveiling of the iPhone 4 saw me competing with cultists to pre-order this latest creation causing Apple’s website to crash. Although I may seem every bit of a fanatic, I’m really not. The unsettling fact of not owning an iPad is proof of that. Not that I wasn’t in the least tempted. It just so happened that I still possess some shred of reason and a little bit of practicality. I’ve made it a rule never to buy anything “first generation”. I guess that makes my EQ above average, right?

I wonder what started this almost reverential following for Steve Jobs. He’s like the god of the digital world. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has sold his soul to the devil just to enjoy all this worship. Not! He’s just an ordinary guy who happened to inherit Midas’ touch (and a host of really talented minions).

Several of my friends, who happened to be unconverted (HAHAHA), think that Apple is disturbingly overrated. And that’s something I’ve learned to expect from the uninitiated. After all, how can you nod your head in agreement if I tell you that a Mac is better than a PC if you’ve never even tried a Mac? In the same way, I cannot say the Blackberry (or the Palm Pre for that matter) sucks compared to the iPhone when the former has never found its way into my palms (ha!). Not too long ago, I was like them. I thought Jobs is all hype and no substance. But that was before I heard the sound of my first Mac powering up. There are just some things that you have to see (or hear) for yourself.

I can’t wait for July 17! That’s when my iPhone 4 is scheduled to be shipped. =D

Grief Is Necessary

My friend’s dad died 2 days ago. The culprit? Cancer. A year ago, almost to the day, my other friend’s dad also lost his 3-year battle to cancer.

On both instances, I’ve maintained an emotional distance. Not because I couldn’t care less but because I didn’t know what to say or do. I think there are no words strong enough to comfort someone who’s grieving. That’s why people say “I’m sorry” at funerals. They’re sorry because the situation is beyond their control.

I always say, “Let them grieve”. Other people, on the other hand, try too hard by saying too much. I overheard one person say at a funeral, “Don’t be sad. He’s in a better place now.” As a Christian, I know that death is not something to fear. Knowing that a loved one is finally free of the cares of this world somehow causes joy to seep through. But the sadness lingers. You try to picture their happy faces in Paradise as angels welcome them, but the longing in your heart to kiss them or hug them or to look into their eyes one more time doesn’t go away by mere positive thoughts and encouraging speech. No, the pain will camp out for a while.

Let grief run its course. It’s not a pleasant stage but it’s necessary. In the same way that a caterpillar has to endure the cocoon in order to let go of its past, grieving is the threshold we must cross in order to move on. Even Jesus, who knew that His bestfriend will be resurrected from the dead that day, allowed himself to shed tears for Lazarus.

To M: *hugs*

End of the world?

According to the Mayans, the world will end on December 12, 2012. Whether we’d choose to believe it or not, doesn’t matter. I think the question we should be asking ourselves is not whether the rumors are true but whether we are ready. I am. Should the world or my life end tomorrow, I know I am ready to meet my God, my creator, my savior.

Let us examine ourselves. Is this “deadline” stirring a fear in our hearts? If so, then what is causing that fear? Are you aware of a sin in your life that you are not ready to let go? You want to be right with God but at the same time you can’t say goodbye to your adulterous affair or to your perversions? Are you afraid of dying? Not knowing where you’re headed?

God said that we should all be ready because we do not know the day or the hour of His coming. Let’s get all our affairs in order. Read the Bible. What is God saying to you about THAT relationship? About your sexual preferences? About your addiction? God loves you. John 3:16 says, “For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not die but have life everlasting.” He knows that on your own, you can’t win the battle against sin. That’s why He sent Jesus. He died for you so you don’t have to. All you need to do is accept Him as your personal Lord and Savior. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” Jesus is the answer!

With Jesus, you can weather anything. All fear will be gone. For He is love and He is perfection. Perfect love casts away all fear. You have a divine appointment. Don’t be late.

In The Storm

Things happen. Four months ago, someone stole my wallet. Last month, I was stalked. And last week, someone tried to grab my cellphone. From a certain standpoint, it seemed I have been dealt an unlucky hand, 3 times in a row. It’s a good thing that I don’t believe in luck, bad or otherwise.

Thirteen years ago, I have decided to stop being a “Wednesdays and Sundays” Christian and give my whole life to Him instead. It wasn’t a hard decision to make. But staying committed to that decision was. Several times in my life, I was challenged by the world and by the enemy in not so subtle ways like that time when I thought the door of destiny was finally opening up when suddenly it was slammed on my face without preamble. I heard the voices in my head saying, “Where is your God now?” And I must admit, I didn’t know the answer to that question back then. I was so disillusioned that I started challenging God. Why would He cause me to suffer such a terrible heartache? Didn’t I obey Him to the letter? I prayed. I fasted. I obeyed. My heart and my faith was in shambles. Don’t ask me how I got over it, but somehow I did. But my relationship with Him was very strained. All because I didn’t understand and I didn’t know how to pray when it seemed that all my prayers were in vain if He was going to go ahead and do things His way anyway.

I have come a long way since that time. There are still a lot of things I couldn’t explain but I now understand that being a follower of Christ doesn’t mean you are not going to find yourself caught in a storm or hopeless situations. Whether we believe in Him or not, we’ll all have our share of tribulations. The difference between me and the atheist next door, I know I can find Jesus in the storm.

Calamity In Manila, Philippines

Manila is flooded. One would think that being a commercial hub, the city’s government would’ve been prepared for such scenarios like a better drainage system. Apparently that never made it to the priorities list. How utterly irresponsible. Now, hundreds have lost their homes while others their lives.

I couldn’t shake this feeling of deja vu. Something closer to home happened a few years ago. In Louisiana and New Orleans to be exact. These things don’t just happen. The hurricanes and the typhoons may not be in our hands to control but there are things that are. And anybody, even those who don’t have degrees in rocket science, can tell what those are. However moot the point is, I just wanted to throw it out there so it won’t fester in my thoughts like a bad relationship.

If there’s anything good that comes out in casualties like these, it’s that people draw nearer to God or whatever higher power they recognize. It’s also a litmus test of the human spirit. Sadly, we don’t always concern ourselves with the deity nor do we bother our pretty little heads with our neighbors when everything is all nice and dandy. Altruism is simply not the default mode in most people.

For those would like to help the victims of the flooding in Manila, Philippines, you can call the American Red Cross at 1-800-435-7669 or through any of the following websites:

Kapuso Foundation

Philippine Aid

Anti-social

I don’t know exactly when it started. Probably it was when I moved to New York. Or perhaps I have always been subconsciously anti-social. I never had difficulty dealing with people. Somehow, I always found a way to handle situations in society. But, to say that I love being around acquaintances is a stretch.

A week ago, an internet friend wanted to meet me while she was visiting the city. I was excited and apprehensive at the same time. All of a sudden, I didn’t know how to interact with someone I barely know. Sure, we shared some secrets in our blogs and exchanged ideas and well-wishes, and I do feel a form of kinship with her. But why was I so scared? In the end, I had dinner with her and all my fears were for naught. Although I am not saying I have overcome my fear of meeting new people, at least meeting F proved that people are really not scary.

Today, a former schoolmate asked me if I wanted to join her and a few others for dinner one Saturday. I had to qualify my “yes”. I so want to reconnect with them, even though I barely knew them back then. But yeah, I’m wondering how I’m supposed to survive the night without embarrassing myself or alienating anyone. Isn’t it weird that at my age I still have stage fright (for lack of a better term)?

So my dear silent readers, whoever you are, please pray for me, that I might come out of this with my dignity intact and without committing a faux pax that would send me in social hibernation for the rest of my life.

Detoxifying

I have been on a “fruits only” diet since yesterday. Well, I was supposed to start last Monday but after eating a piece of mango and a bowl of mixed fruits for dinner, I was still so hungry that I ate a pack of cookies and 7 pieces of turkey bacon. I guess it’s because other than a piece of small bread, I didn’t have anything for breakfast or lunch. On Tuesday, I was more successful in curbing my appetite. Although I only ate cookies for breakfast and lunch, I didn’t feel that hungry. The same serving of fruits that I consumed on Monday was enough. Yesterday however was so much better. I didn’t eat anything for breakfast and lunch. Just water. And dinner time was also just a bowl of mixed fruits and a mango. That’s it. I was craving for something different but I was so full I wouldn’t have been able to eat anything else even if a plate of chicken and rice was handed to me. So I’m counting Wednesday as Day 1, officially.

Today makes second and my stomach is grumbling. My friend (who’s doing the same diet) told me that I could eat anything for breakfast and lunch. But I want to detoxify myself at the same time so I’m only going to eat fruits for dinner. I know I could eat fruits during the day but that would only make me tired of them faster. So, I’ll just fast during the day and hope I don’t keel over.

I have noticed that since Monday, my bowel movement has become regular. When this detox thing is done, I decided to keep eating a bowl of fruits everyday just for the sake of this new regularity.

It’s 12PM and my tummy is grumbling. I wonder if I could last the day without eating. And it’s a workout Thursday, incidentally. I’m not sure if I’d have enough energy for any cardio exercises tonight. It remains to be seen.

Why Am I Not Mourning Cory Aquino’s Death?

Everybody I know is grieving the death of Cory Aquino. She has been called by many names, a symbol of democracy, president, wife, mom. I was in 4th grade when she became president but I was old enough to remember the importance of the spark that she ignited among the Filipino people to say, “no more!” against a dictator. But with that said, I don’t know why I don’t feel her loss as much as most people. My heart goes out to Kris and her siblings but on a personal level, I’m not really in mourning.

My parents believed that although Marcos did a lot of bad, he also did a lot of good. The Philippines was indeed economically more stable during his presidency. And I think my growing up with that idea in my mind made me less inclined to support Cory during her time. Or perhaps, it was because I was too young to understand what was going on and was willing to accept my parents’ opinions as my own, and never really outgrew it.

Whatever it is, I acknowledge the fact that the democracy my country is enjoying now is because of Cory’s passion to see it freed and I admire her for that. You won’t see tears in my eyes though. Th Philippines is safe in God’s hands. He is raising up people who will intercede for it day and night for healing and for revival.

I Love NY

I read a few stories from a book about New York and It made me think about the positive image that they drew. They talked about a kinder, softer, nicer NYC. I didn’t really need that picture to make me love this city. From the moment I set foot on Times Square, regardless of countless irritations I encounter in the subways, New York has made it’s way into my heart in a most amazing way.

I loved my hometown. Oh, I still love it. But honestly, though I’d like to believe that the presence of the people that I love there would tip the balance in its favor, that’s no longer the case. With each passing moment that I live out in the Big Apple, little by little Cebu is slowly becoming one of those places I’ll always be fond of but not really in love with.

Why is that? Most people still remember their hometowns with a longing and an ache that will never be eased by time. But in 4 years, I no longer feel the draw of home. It’s probably because New York is now my home.

Funny, but since the day I got here, I already felt I was home. Like someone who journeyed for a long time and was finally opening the front door of his house, I felt relieved. Maybe, I was really born to be here. To conquer this place. This is the city for dreamers and lovers. It’s a place where reality and magic co-exist.

Prayer for my Godchildren

For Carlo, Nikki, Prue, and Giselle.

Father, I lift these children up to you. May there lives be wholly lived according to your perfect plan. May they always choose to do what’s right. May they always choose to bless and not curse, life over death.

I claim them for your kingdom. Even now, I declare them marked for your glory. They would go through life always seeing you in everything. Give them visions and dreams of saving the world from the clutches of the enemy. Develop their character so that they’d be ready for whatever assault the enemy hurls at them. Prepare them for battle because they will be frontrunners in their generation.

When they interact with their friends, always remind them of your word. I pray that their parents would seek to train them up according to your ways and in the way that they should go. And should their parents fail, surround them with Godly people who will do that for them. Help them as they choose theit friends. Help them choose wisely. Help them choose friends who would be faithful for life and who would help them in their walk with you.

Bless them all the days of their lives. May their spirits be sweet and a wonderful revelation to the people they touch. May they make a positive difference wherever they go. And may the people they meet see you in the lives that they live. May people surrounding them end up glorifying your name because of the wonders they see through the lives of these your children.

May they never forget you. Be it in times of lack or of plenty. Always calling on you and singing your praise. Cause their paths to be straight before them. I declare the enemy powerless against them. Bind his hands and feet so he can’t go near them. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Thank you, Father. For your good ness and for your mercy. For your faithfulness and stubborn love. For never letting me go and caring for the people I love and who I consider important in my life. Thank you for being into the most trivial things of my life. For always hearing my prayers and for never turnin your back on me, even when I’ve been unfaithful. I praise you and glorify your name forever and ever.

A Letter To My 50 y/o Self

Dear 50 y/o Jucy,

First things first, are you happy? Did you marry the man you’ve been praying for since you were 12? How is he like? Is he everything you’ve ever dreamed of? Or more? Is he a pastor? How many kids do you have?

I have so many dreams. Dreams from God and the ones that I personally desire (which I’m hoping are from God too). I wonder how many of these dreams you have seen realized. Is the church God told me that I would help build already standing? How many lives have you touched? How many Jews have you reached out to? How’s New York? Is it better than today? Are more people praising and worshipping God? What was the wave of revival like? Did God come as a mighty wind? Or blazing fire? Or was it something altogether more magnificent? More amazing?

And what about the clinic? Do you own one? How many patients do you see everyday? How did your book go? Is it a bestseller? How many countries have you been to? Which one is your favorite?

Do you have nieces and nephews? Are Gel and Bingbing loving their lives? Are Mams and Tats enjoying theirs as they deserve? Have all of them accepted Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior? Are they living their lives for God? What about Gaya? Tina? Jingjing? Tabbie? Clark? Lyra? Joanne? How are they? Have you kept in touch with them? Our aunts and uncles? Have you ministered to them?

Is the United States a better place because of your presence in it? What’s your house like? How many other people’s dreams have you fulfilled?

I wonder if you’re better at handling your finances than I am now. How much money have you saved? Do you have enough for retirement and to help others out?

Are you still a control freak? Are you still anxious about many things? Or have you finally learned to trust God 100%? How’s your relationship with Him? Is it stronger and more intimate? I wonder how many more dreams He has given you? More than what He has given me? I wonder what many amazing and beautiful things He has made you witness. I wonder how many miracles and changed lives.

I wonder whether I’m prepared enough for the struggles you’re facing. Or has God answer my prayer for a “clear mind” so I can focus on interceding for others?

I have always dreamed of a house in Long Island. Is one standing there now?

I have more questions. But that’s it for now.

Your present self.

Online Dating

I keep getting invited to these online dating sites and I keep rejecting them. I have social networking accounts everywhere–Facebook, Friendster, Multiply, My Space–but I use them mainly to reconnect with people I already know. Although I have met a few new friends in Multiply, people with whom I share strong convictions, I never set out to look for a potential “date”.

A friend of mine married someone she met online. Theirs is a match made in heaven. However, that’s not for everybody. I am not going to run off into the sunset and marry the first man I meet online with whom I feel a connection. Relationships cannot be sustained by soul and mind connections. Although, it’s important that you connect on some level, it’s also vital (for me at least) that I know the person like the back of my hand. And there’s just no substitute to personal dealings.

Authors of those dating sites would argue that theirs is just a platform to meet someone and from there you could carry on to something more personal. That has worked for a lot of people but I am generally opposed to sharing stuff about myself to people I don’t know. Which is why my profiles are not viewable by the public and if they are, I never write down anything too personal.

Now, I am not against people meeting and dating online because like I said, a few of my friends found their soulmates through online chatrooms. All I’m saying is it’s not my thing and it has a lot to do with my personality and my beliefs more than anything. I may change my views down the line. After all, nothing is set in stone. But right now, don’t bother sending me another link.

Worldwide Web

Wow. This is something I could get used to. Multiply should really have their own iPhone interface. But for the meantime, I can blog here in wordpress while they haven’t come up with one yet.

I want to write something that happened at work but unfortunately that’s not something that people who care about ethics would do. So I guess I’ll just bore my readers with my recent “obsession” with facebook. Well, it hasn’t really come to that yet but lately I am actually looking forward to opening my account just to find out what my friends are doing.

It’s kind of weird calling those people “friends”. Some of them actually are. But more than a handful of them are, well, not. Not totally strangers but not friends either. A number of them are gradeschool, highschool, and college acquaintances. Sure, I was thrilled to come across them in this world of cyberspace but the excitement is not brought about by my inherent desire to reconnect with people but mostly just the thought that our different worlds intersected here. Isn’t technology amazing that way?

I don’t know about you but I am uber grateful to be alive at such a time as this. I simply can’t imagine my world without a wireless signal! Last Tuesday I attended our church’s midweek service and I learned that it was streamed live on the web and over 50 countries participated in that time of prayer. It’s amazing how science, the anathema of faith, is advancing the Kingdom of God. I’m telling you, there’s no better time to be alive and serving God as this.

Shocking

A couple of third grade kids plotted to murder their teacher.  All because they wanted to avenge a classmate of theirs who was suspended.

When I heard about it in the news, I was shocked.  How can 9-year-old’s even think about murder?  Do they even understand what it means to kill?  I bet it surprised everybody.  But should it really?  What do we expect when religion is no longer allowed inside the classroom?  How can we expect our children to know which way to go when aside from teaching them how to read and write we don’t teach them the fear of God?  Can we fault them for having loose morals when we didn’t teach them any in the first place?

A Revelation

It was a nice winter night.  After a day of 4-inch snowfall, followed by a day of 4-inch rain, this night was such a welcome respite.  Cold, but nice.  I decided to enjoy my usual 5-block walk from the train station to my place and enjoy the moment.  I marvelled again at finally being here, in New York.  It was a road riddled with frustrations, tears, and “almosts”.  But we all know that the challenging journey makes the destination so much sweeter.

My first day in NYC was less than magical.  I was disillusioned by the narrow roads, the garbage, and the chaos.  I was disappointed because it felt like home.  I was waiting for that “WOW” factor that I expected.  I didn’t even feel out of sorts.  It was like I’ve lived here my whole life.  Unbeknownst to me back then, it was that feeling of being home that would endear me to it with such intensity I weep as I pray for it every day.

That night, I allowed my senses to absorb the noise of the rumbling subway train above me, the cars racing to their destinations below me, the scent of the different foods floating out of restaurants, and stealing glances at the different expressions on people’s faces.  At that moment I realized THIS IS IT.  This is where I will change the world.  After all, doesn’t NYC have a little bit of every nation?  If I could make a difference in little Ali’s life, I could start a ripple that would affect Arab nations.  If I could just get through to Yuri’s heart, I could get through the very thing that makes Russia come alive.

One hand, one heart, one soul at a time.

My Hand In Marriage

I read an article today that reminded me why I’m still single at my age. My peers have an acronym for people like me–NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth). And strange as it may sound, I’m proud.

In my teens, I have already decided that I won’t get married until I’m 35. Not because I lacked the excitable hormones that my contemporaries are in abundance of but because as a child I was taught that marriage is a big responsibility that a girl like myself who loves to buy cute stuff for my amusement and adores shopping on a whim would not want to have on her shoulders.

My mom’s idea of sex education was telling me that irresponsible copulation at any age would see me holding a baby sucking at my breasts while I sweep floors to give him a future.  That, seemed very uncoool to 13-year-old me.

In highschool I heard of peers having abortions or simply dropping out, complications brought about by a night of fun.  I vowed to never be a part of that statistic.  But I would soon learn that it takes more than fear of unwanted pregnancies to prevent it.

I met a boy in college.  I fell so hard that I played conversations and imagined scenes in my head that would make even the most promiscuous teenager blush.  Had I not kept my distance –which I did because I didn’t trust myself around him — I would’ve fallen into the trap that I painstakingly avoided for years.  I thought my Catholic upbringing would stop me from even conjuring those lustful thoughts.  But it seems that it’s easier to put a dam around raging waters than ignore the catcalls of desire.  And then I met Jesus.

For years, I have held on to the idea there’s a man out there destined to be my one true love.  Growing up dreaming of a prince charming who would take me to the heights of my imagined world has created that bubble of idealism that I’ve held on to, subconsciously or otherwise.  And it turns out that he does exist.  My prince.  Two thousand years ago, he came to my world to make sure that I would spend eternity with him in his.  To be loved and cherished with such a passion was the fulfillment to all of my childhood wonderings.

Knowing Jesus is like having a renewed perspective.  It’s like looking at the clouds from above rather than below, and what a major difference that makes.  The thought of getting into a relationship with just any man who catches my fancy and makes my heart beat like crazy just doesn’t seem right.  My heart is no longer mine to give.  It belongs to Him now and it’s only fair that if anyone should desire it, he should ask Him to be granted access.

Finding a lifetime partner has ceased to become something that a lady should hope for.  Certainly, we were not sent to this world simply to find our soulmates, procreate, and then live happily ever after.  We were made for better things than simply raising kids and stitching together a family quilt that would be passed through generations.  Viewed from such a standpoint, relationships are not forged by compatibility alone.  Women who approach marriage in this manner will not simply look for a good man capable of providing security and an everlasting commitment to make her happy.  Though few and far between, good men are not guarantees to happily ever afters.

I know a handful of great men whom I would marry in a heartbeat had I not known what I know now.  Strong, sturdy, and faithful men who would definitely make a girl like me live the life of a queen.  But their offers of undying love and a steady flow of shoes, bags, and trips abroad were not enough to have me walk through the doors of Kleinfeld, shopping for a wedding dress.  Not even when every chamber in my heart was screaming to say yes.  No.  I have vowed to wait for a person who would make me say, “I know that I know that I know that I’d want to go through all of life’s adventures with you. You would ask My Prince for my heart.  And He will give it to you.”

Disclaimer:  I have nothing against women who chose to become mothers at an early age, whether single or married.  And neither am I judging women who have chosen to terminate pregnancies.  We all have our reasons and no one has the right to judge anybody based on the decisions they have made.  The points of view I have written here are not meant to slight anybody.  If I have hurt your feelings, please know that it’s not my intention.  These are my thoughts on the matter and I alone am responsible for abiding by them.  If you have a different opinion, I shall respect that.

Obama For President?

Three years in this country and I finally understood the presidential selection, nomination, and election process.  And I must say, it’s very interesting.  In the Philippines, we don’t hold caucuses.   Ours is a multi-party system where each party nominates a presidential candidate that the people vote for.  And I think, it would be to our country’s best interest if we narrowed it down to just 2 candidates (like here) before the final elections so we could get a majority vote, which is not the case in the current set-up.

I have watched some of the democratic candidates’ debates and I find them very amusing.  What with all their best intentions and promises, I’m left wondering why the current president never got around to doing them himself.  I’m pretty sure he gave a fair share of promises on his candidacy.

Among the candidates, I have really strong feelings for Barach Obama.  He strikes me as a really honest person who means everything that he says.  Oh yes, he could go into major theatrics sometimes but he is very convincing and he has quite the charisma that catches the hearts of people.  I don’t know much about him, nor about the others, but like I said, I have a good feeling that he’d make a good president.  Gut feel?  It could also be prophetic, you know.

Hillary Clinton on the other hand comes out as really desperate.  It seems that she wants, no needs, to win.  From a different perspective, that could be a good thing.  But, she scares me sometimes.  When I saw her cry after Iowa caucus and she said that this is personal to her, I didn’t feel it.  Everything about it was screaming, “acting” and “insincere”.  But I don’t want to go much further and give her that unfair judgment because impressions could be wrong.  However, I can’t dismiss the fact that I don’t really find myself secure in the thought of having her lead this country.  And her gender nor political convictions have nothing to do with that.  I know, my arguments are very weak.  But what can I do, I trust my instincts and it’s telling me that Hillary is not the One.

Wanderlust

Whether I’m in a car, bus, or plane on my way to another town, city, or country or just sitting in my couch, sipping a soda and munching on some chips watching Anthony Bourdain in No Reservations as he trots the different parts of the globe, travel or thoughts of it give me a certain kind of high.

It’s such a big world.  So many places to see.  Not a lot of leave credits.  Now, I understand why most people wait until after retirement before they go on a trip around the world.  But, I don’t think I can wait that much longer to visit the Red Square in Moscow, or the Big Ben in London, or enjoy the Paris ambience.  One is never too busy to do the things that one desires to do.  So, I’m making it my new year’s resolution to travel more in 2008.  Starting here in the United States.  How many states have I visited anyway?  A cross-country trip would be a good start.  And then there’s the different places in the Philippines that I’ve only seen in photos.

Who doesn’t like to travel?  Who would turn down an invitation to go to Australia all expenses paid?  It is a very expensive activity, yet I believe that provision comes when you least expect it.  Or, you can start saving for it.  Wouldn’t you do anything to reach your dream destination?

I am determined to go to every place on the map.  To go to those places unknown to me, and then they’ll cease to be such.

A Rarity

It takes strength of character and security in one’s identity for a woman to admit on national television that she’s a virgin in the face of a generation who finds somebody who’s preserving oneself for marriage weird.  Yet, that’s what Riza Santos, a 21-year-old Filipino-Canadian beauty queen did on Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition 2.

This didn’t come as a surprise after knowing Riza’s background.  She grew up in a Christian home with parents who raised her and her siblings obeying God.  She’s never even had a boyfriend yet.  She also doesn’t drink alcoholic drinks.  I admire the way she has so far stood up for her principles.

Watching the PBB series, I witnessed how Riza stood up to misconceptions and how she came out of misunderstandings humble and open for reconciliation.  I applaud her for that.

In today’s society, only a select few could defend and live out their beliefs.  We can blame persecution or discrimination, but the sad truth is it’s lack of conviction.  And really, it all boils down to character.  You can’t fake character.  You don’t develop that overnight.  And the way governments are turning out, character is sorely weak in this generation.

With the current trends, we could either brace ourselves for the inevitable decay of humanity or choose to pray and believe that there’s always hope lurking around the corners.  Somewhere out there is a president who would really lead us.  Somewhere out there are men who would be loyal to their wives and role models to their children.  Somewhere out there, there are more women like Riza Santos, not afraid to go down the road less travelled.

Somewhere…

Stole, raped, and killed… while spreading Christianity???

I am half-way through Isabel Allende’s book, Ines of My Soul, and on several occasions I felt a visceral disgust over the Spanish conquerors’ actions towards the people they have STOLEN land from.

The Philippines had been under Spanish rule for approximately 3 centuries and from the books and commentaries I’ve read, they were anything but genial to my forebears.  In the pretext of spreading Christianity and civilizing groups of people, they spread more animosity than love.  Something that I find very ironic.

In Allende’s book, she described the Spaniards cruelty to the Indians in the Americas.  They raped their women, burned down their houses, killed their warriors, stole their gold, enslaved those they captured and forced their religion down their throats.  I thought they were just cruel to our natives because we were rough around the edges.  But, it turns out, cruelty was really in their nature.

Did they feel that they need to subjugate in order for their beliefs to be recognized by the people they wanted to conquer?  It somehow made me wonder if Christianity would have a very different image had those atrocities never happened.  Now, I understand why the American Indians never bowed to the God we serve.  Who could blame them?  I’m just surprised we Filipinos did.  Maybe those viracochas who were in our land weren’t as cruel as the ones who conquered Peru or Chile.

No Car, No Party

I didn’t go to our office Christmas party.  I figured that if I did go, I would have a hard time finding a ride home because it’s in the outskirts of Brooklyn.

It’s one of those days when I wish I have a car.  The very accessible mass transit made me complacent about getting my driver’s license.  A car is not really a necessity in this city.  In fact, it’s more a liability than an asset.  The difficulty in finding parking space alone makes it very impractical.  Add to that the very high monthly insurance premiums.  Why own a car when you can take the train?  Ah, now I have an answer to that question.

Finally, I have decided to get my learner’s permit, learn how to negotiate the streets of NYC behind the wheel, pass the road test, get my license, buy a car, and drive my way to every party that comes my way.  I have decided that I would no longer allow transportation limitation to stop me from doing the things that I want to do.

Alone on Christmas

From the looks of it, I will be spending Christmas alone this year.  And welcome the New Year on my own too.  Both of my friends are going out of town, like they did last year.  So once again I find myself stuck in the city while everybody is getting ready to celebrate with their families and loved ones.  But, no matter how lonely it sounds, I’m looking forward to the 4-day weekend ahead.  I have actually some activities planned:

1.  Saturday morning:  Accompany G to the airport and cash in on the breakfast treat that she promised.
2.  Saturday afternoon:  Shopping!  I got a $100 Macy’s giftcard from Ivan (the office manager of the clinic I’m working in) and I’m going to spend every cent of it on Saturday.
3.  Saturday late afternoon:  Watch Love In The Time of Cholera and Alvin.  I want to see P.S. I Love You, but my friends want to see it too so I’d watch it with them when they come back.
4.  Saturday evening:  Grey’s Anatomy and Heroes marathon
5.  Sunday morning:  Church
6.  Sunday afternoon:  Shopping! (again)  I still have to buy gifts for my family.
7.  Sunday evening:  Lounge around at home and watch TV shows
8.  Monday and Tuesday:  sleep, eat, read, watch tv, surf the net… in no particular order

And then, off to work again on Wednesday.  The New Year weekend would be slightly different because my other friend would be back in town by then and we’re planning to go ice skating and maybe go on a food trip.  We’ll see how that plays out.

You see, there’s no reason to be miserable at Christmas time.  Whether you’re alone or in the midst of the people you love, the spirit of the season is in no way diminished.  It still is my favorite time of the year.

Prophecies, Visions, Dreams

I believe that God speaks to His children through dreams, prophecies, and visions.

When I was a young Christian, I saw a prophetic vision of my future as I was laying on the floor, slain by the Holy Spirit, during one of our youth meetings.  The vision was about three things:

1.  I heard God say, “You will help build this church.”  And I saw myself standing in one of the top floors of a tall building and I was looking out the window to a wide watery expanse.  I’m not sure if it was a river, an ocea, or a lake.

2.  I heard God say, “You will sing before multitudes.”  And I saw myself singing on stage, singing Gospel songs to a vast multitude of people praising God.  I heard God say, “You will go out into all the world and preach the Gospel through songs.”

3.  I saw thousands and thousands of bottles being lined up like in a factory.  I saw trucks and trucks of bottles.  I still don’t understand what that meant.  But then, I thought that it meant a business venture.  But I have never been a fan of the business world. Well, someday I’ll know about it.

I never had any reason to doubt that those visions were from God.  There were moments when I thought that I just made them all up.  But, I always go back to my first impression that they were divine in origin.

None of those visions have come true yet.  But, I feel that coming to New York is the first step.  As to how I would go from here, that remains a mystery.  For some reason, I just know that coming here was the hardest thing to accomplish and that everything will come easy after that.

I remember one day at a Joshua Conference when the pastor invited people who wanted to receive prophetic and healing giftings to stand up.  I stood up on both occasions and I have been experiencing bits and pieces of prophetic moments ever since.  There were times when I would sense something in the spirit about a person and several months or years after, I would understand why I felt that way.

My desire is to really explore this gift of prophecy, to enlighten and guide people, to bring them closer to God.  I would also like to harness this gift of healing as I often am surrounded by physically broken people.

There are so many things in the Kingdom of God that needs to be embraced by every Christian.  I believe that heaven has an abundance of everything and all that God’s children need to do is seek.  There is so much to be done and there is a shortage of workers who are willing to assume their stations and do their work.

Father, count me into the work of your kingdom.  Let me be sensitive to the needs of others and to pray for those needs.  Thank you.

Lost Thoughts

Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

 I thought I had everything saved in my Word file.  But, I realized that I copied the same page times.  That means a lot of my old entries have been deleted together with my blog.  What a waste.  Although those are old issues from my past, I love reading them once in a while, to remind me of how life has been.

But, what can I do.  This is what I get for being too impulsive.  I decided to delete my old blogspot blog because I was no longer updating it anyway.  What’s the point of keeping it?  I had transferred everything to my old wordpress blog (prior to this one).  However, I decided to delete that too because I wanted a more private blog.  And since I didn’t know that I could actually change my display name to something other than my real name, I thought of creating another account under a totally different name.  Tsk, tsk, tsk.

No use crying over spilled milk.  Let me just forget about those and let me write here as often and as freely as I want to.  This is after all, my space, my very own.  And no one who knows me know that I’m here.  Isn’t anonymity simply bliss!

Part-Time

My agency called to ask if I could work part-time in one of their rehab clinics in Flushing. I declined by saying that the place wasn’t really accessible for someone like me who relies on the subway system to get around.

Well, that was just one of the reasons. The other, heavier part was the “not interested” factor. How can I be when although I’m just working from 12pm-8pm, my job demands me to be on my feet and dealing with patients the whole time? 8 hours of that is enough. I’m not going to push the limits of my body just to squeeze out a few more bucks.

No part-time PT jobs for me. That’s saying that I’d be happy to do something home-based for a few hours like doing medical transcription, maybe. Or, stuffing and mailing envelopes?

Bernard

It’s good to be surrounded by new people. Not necessarily friends, but people you get to have interesting conversations with.

Bernard is something out of this world. I have never met a guy so into Chinese mythology like he is. It’s almost a religion to him. His days are governed by animal signs, fire signs, water signs, and what-have-you’s. The first topic that he raised when we first met was, “I’m guessing that you’re either a dragon, a snake, or a horse.” And from then on, he talks to me about signs every chance he could get.

For one thing, I have never been into those things. I read the horoscope only for fun and more often than not, I don’t even pay attention to it even if it’s right in front of my face. I just don’t believe in it. The fact that quite a number of people actually make decisions based on what their horoscope tells them is something I could never get. So I wasn’t really too cool about working with an accupuncturist who’s every other word is “sign”.

But Bernard has a special way about him that really gets you. He has a very sunny disposition that even when he’s not in the best mood or even when he’s a bit under the weather, he still lights up the place like a neon sign. Working with him is so much easier than working with Yuri, the other accupuncturist. It must be the age, or maybe 2 dragons working together just doesn’t make for the best chemistry, as Bernard would probably put it.

Today was an especially busy day, and had it not been for Bernard’s presence, it would’ve been one hell of a day. He won’t be working tomorrow, but I’d be looking forwardto Thursday when I could work with him again. I just love having him around.

I’m A Good Girl

So finally I did my medical exam. I submitted my papers without the exam results because I simply couldn’t find time to do it. Good thing the civil surgeon that I went to is not busy and he’d have the results ready for me by Saturday.

The doctor’s clinic is just a block away from my apartment. It’s just a stone’s throw away from PhilAm (the Filipino store that I frequent). I actually found it funny that I never noticed there was a doctor’s clinic in that area. And I have lived here for 2 years! Talk about not being aware of one’s surroundings.

As I climbed up the steps to his office to ring the bell, I noticed that the sign said: Pediatric Clinic. That actually brought a lot of comfort to me. Pediatricians are usually gentle and friendly. And for a person who doesn’t like being poked with needles and handled by rough hands, I wish I could go to a pediatrician every single time. And I was right.

He explained every step to me like I was a 5-year-old. Not that I mind. I was tempted to say that I understood what a vaccine means, but I decided to just let him do his job the way he’s used to doing it. After explaining that he would give me an MMR vaccine once the bloodwork is done, he told me he can’t do it if I was pregnant or have a feeling that I would be pregnant in the next 4 weeks. For some reason I replied, “I’m not married.” He looked me in the eye and said, “You’re a good girl.” I actually found that hilarious and we had a good laugh.

With my medical history taken and physical exam done, he took my credit card and gave me a $10 discount. I was tempted to ask, “Was that for being a good girl?” But, I held my tongue. Only later did I understand why he said what he said when he handed me a sheet of paper. I thought it was like the others he gave me explaining about the risks of tetanus, diptheria, rubella, and measles. It was a printout of Bible verses.

I had to smile.

A Nomad’s Thoughts

I’m undergoing my medical examination today. It being a requirement for my change of status from a temporary worker to a permanent resident. The civil surgeon I chose is just a block away. I love the thought of just walking over to his clinic, do all the necessary steps, pay, and then leave. I’m not even dressed yet. My appointment is for 1:00 PM. Usually, I set aside a good 2 hours before my scheduled appointment. One hour to prepare myself, and another hour for travel. But since travel is not part of the equation today, I just need an hour and 10 minutes. Pretty neat, if you ask me.

I have never been a fan of commuting over long distances. Although, that’s what I have been subjected to (daily) for most of my life. Since highschool, I lived with my parents and sibs in the suburbs. And since I’d rather take the public transport than ride with my dad and be late for school, you could say I was the one to blame. You might find it ironic because I really do love to travel. I guess, it’s not the travelling that’s the issue, it’s the routine.

Travelling in a strange place is a different story. It gives me a different kind of high. Add to that the thrill of getting lost, the adrenaline rush of finding one’s bearings, and the euphoric relief of seeing something familiar. Oooh, there’s nothing like it. Absolutely nothing. When I’m in another place, I feel like I’m a different person. Or that I COULD BE a different person. Nobody knows me. I have a strange face looking at equally strange faces. When I’m somewhere else, I’m free!

People travel for different reasons. Some love the sights. I do too. Some the food. While others like me just love the crunch of a different kind of gravel beneath their feet, or breathing a different air. Maybe I was just born to wander. To never stay in one place. I would be travelling to more places in my lifetime. But for now, let me pretend that my hourly commutes to the city is a daily adventure to a different realm… that wouldn’t be too hard to do on board the 7 train. But, that’s a different tale altogether.