44 (Update)

Sometime in the year 1998 or 1999, my friends and I were talking about crushes, relationships, and marriage. We were a group of young and giddy girls who knew nothing much about life, let alone men. In an effort to steer us down the right path, our cellgroup leader from church advised us to ask God for the kind of man we’d like to spend the rest of our lives with. She suggested that we write a list of traits (from the most critical to the most petty) that we’d like that man to have, to be as specific with our descriptions as possible, and to not limit God.

I thought it was a great exercise and I came up with a list of 44 items. But I was so convinced that there was no way anyone alive in my generation would have all 44. It was too specific and too ideal, I thought. In my mind, I saw God shaking His head saying, “Oh, you poor thing.” But I decided to believe in the possibility that a man made of flesh and blood with those detailed traits actually exists.

When I started this blog in 2004, I thought I should publish the list and put my faith out there for everyone to read. As the years went by without meeting anyone who fit the bill (not even half the bill), I have accepted the fact that this man only exists in my dreams. Maturity and experience have taught me that there are certain things in life that you don’t get no matter how much you want them. So I trimmed that list down to the non-negotiables. The other stuff are superfluous anyway. I told myself that as long as he has a great character (kind and honest, specifically), a man after God’s own heart, someone whose leadership I can submit to because of his own dependence and submission to God and His will, and we both love each other, then I’ll choose him. But God had something else in mind and He had a surprise up his sleeves.

Years passed and nothing. Even with the list down to a few things, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. Well, not that I was actively looking for the needle anyway. I’ve had suitors who were fine men of character and integrity, yet somehow I didn’t feel like choosing any of them. Perhaps, subconsciously I was still hoping for “44”. Or perhaps having a boyfriend was the farthest thing from my mind. All I wanted to do was travel and enjoy the gift of life God has given me. Whatever it was, I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t in a rush to commit to anyone. And I’m glad I took my time.

On April 2018, I went back to my hometown to be with my family because my uncle passed away. It was a sad time and I didn’t plan on getting together with any of my friends because I was only there for a few days and I was not in the mood to socialize. One of my closest friends texted me and asked if I had time for a road trip. I didn’t but I figured that I could have dinner with him because he is so easy to be with plus he has a calming effect on me for some reason. He’s one of those people who has a sweet spirit that just being around him is a pleasant experience.

Dinner, coffee, and a late night conversation later, I realized how much this man has changed. In the 16 or 17 years we’ve been friends, I have not seen him the way I saw him that night. The following day after a midweek church service, we had another round of coffee and blueberry cheesecake and more deep conversations.

I remember sitting there and wondering, “Hmmm… this is interesting. M is really different. A good different. He’s someone any woman would be blessed to marry.” And it surprised me when I thought that if something else opens up for both of us other than friendship, I won’t be opposed to it. In all the years that passed between us, I never thought of him in that sense. But I left it at that and forgot about it when I came back to New York.

Four months later, in August, I went back to my hometown for the summer break. M and I went on a road trip through the mountains of Balamban (a town in Cebu) to buy some rice cakes. On that long drive, I saw a deep vulnerability that was so endearing it made me want to reach out and hug him. I didn’t but I wish I did. The conversation we had about life, past relationships, struggles, and dreams reminded me of those two nights in April and I felt our friendship deepen.

M is so genuine and honest and is not afraid to look weak; and that’s such an admirable trait. It takes strength, courage, and deep security in a great God to admit one’s shortcomings. Where most men would put up a front to appear as though they have it all together, M is not pretentious at all and I really love that about him. And did I mention that he’s one of the kindest people I know? Even his eyes are kind! I remembered what I thought about in April and it made me smile.

I think something changed (a subtle change but a change nonetheless) occurred on that Balamban trip because where in the past we only texted each other when there was some news we needed to share, our communication intensified and became more regular after that; which I chalked up to the natural progression of a friendship. Despite the thousands of miles between us, we actually got closer.

Another four months later, I went back to my hometown to spend Christmas with my family. M and I agreed to do a road trip for two days. At the end of the first day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted. It was not a hard decision to make. I think it’s because I have already made that choice subconsciously 8 months earlier.

It’s been quite a ride so far. God has slowly been unwrapping this wonderful gift before our eyes and we consider ourselves blessed. I am definitely blessed to have this man in my life. He is quite a treasure! I’m excited to see what lies ahead, what God has in store for both us, and how He will unfold everything.

And remember that list of 44 I made? He’s a 44+. Over the past few months, I am discovering things about this man that blew my mind because they are things I didn’t ask for; they’re more like icing on the cake such as the fact that he loves a lot of the same things I love like walking, the beach, wide open spaces, photography, quiet and secluded spots, intimate weddings, puns, dogs, cheesecake, sizzling steak from Orange Brutus (a fastfood chain), Jollibee (another fastfood chain), coffee, puzzles, sunsets, the night sky, etc. It’s more like God saying, “I know you didn’t ask for it, but I’m giving it to you anyway. Because I love you that much.”

It’s really true what they say, great things come to those who wait.

Respect in a Marriage

I saw a clip of one of Dr. Myles Munroe’s teachings where he said that husbands don’t need love from their wives as much as they need respect. He went on to say that it’s unfortunate how a lot of men nowadays don’t get that from their wives and I thought that’s really sad.

Respect is one of the basic things you can afford another human being. If it’s important to respect the people you work with or your friends, how much more the man you married? My boyfriend made a really great point about how sometimes things happen in a marriage that could lead to a loss of respect. He presented scenarios such as physical or emotional abuse and infidelity. And I agree with him.

It’s just sad that a lot of couples give up on their marriages right away. A loss of respect is a big thing but I’ve heard of married couples who broke up for something as trivial as, “We just don’t get along anymore”.

A marriage, like any relationship, goes through cycles and seasons. There will be rough patches and bad days but the couple must make a conscious decision every day to make their marriage work. And if respect is lost for some reason, then both should strive to fix what’s been broken.

I firmly believe that there is nothing in a marriage that is insurmountable, and yes, even infidelity. Once the two people involved are committed to make things work, with God’s help, nothing is impossible.

And to reiterate Dr. Munroe’s point, wives respecting their husbands is not optional, it’s imperative. I am not yet married but I know that any relationship thrives on mutual respect. I have watched my parents my whole life and how they love, honor, and respect each other and I could only hope that my own marriage (someday) would be as strong. From watching them and other couples and from the written works and preachings I’ve read and heard about marriage, I’ve picked up a thing or two on how to have a happy one that endures:

1. Listen to each other’s point of view and respect them.

2. When you disagree, don’t resort to anger and never raise your voice. A screaming match would only escalate things.

3. You don’t have to win an argument but you do need to win your marriage. Your relationship with your spouse is more important than being right or having the last say.

4. Never withhold affection.

5. Be quick to give a kind word and avoid saying things that could leave deep wounds.

6. Notice and call out the praiseworthy things about your spouse, their character, their talents, or even how they look great in a blue shirt; no matter how trivial, magnify those good things over the annoying ones.

7. Always seek to serve rather than be served. And don’t keep a record of who has done what. Marriage is not a competition.

8. Be each other’s #1 fan and supporter; encourage each other’s dreams.

9. Be sensitive to and understand each other’s needs (including the physical ones).

10. Wives should submit to and respect their husband’s leadership. There is no room for a power struggle in a marriage (That’s why, ladies, it is important to choose a Godly man you can submit to. Someone who is submitted to God and trusts in His leading.)

11. Communicate.

I’m sure there are more things that could be added to this list. I’m keeping these ones in mind for now.

Beautiful

I had a friend in grade school who no one liked and I didn’t understand why. She was kind, funny, intelligent, generous, sweet, talented (read: she wrote a song at 8 years old!), and a really great friend. She was one of my favorite people. Sure, she stuttered and she got teased for it. And as if that wasn’t enough to lower the estimation she had of herself, she got teased for her looks as well. As I grew older, I figured out that those kids only saw how she was on the outside and wrote her off because she was not “pretty” like they were. Even my other friends have written her off.

It’s sad that as early as 5 years old, we learn to favor those who look “nice”. Is it because we grew up playing with Barbie and Ken dolls? I think that because of our fallen nature we are predisposed to initially judge people based on their superficial attributes. And it’s only when we get to really know them that we find out how right or how wrong we were to begin with. The problem is, we seldom get past what we see with our eyes. Sometimes, we don’t even bother to connect or get to know people who, in our estimation, are not worth our time because of how they look on the outside: too tall, too skinny, eyes are too big, etc. And the opposite could be true as well. We wouldn’t talk to a gorgeous guy because they’re “too pretty” for us. How many meaningful friendships have we missed out on because of this?

I am not going to pretend that I have not been guilty of judging based on first impressions. I, too, was once an immature person who had some growing up to do (still do) like everyone else. But ever since I moved to New York and met people from different cultures who have different standards of beauty and worked with children with special needs with varying types of physical and intellectual disability, I have learned that everyone is beautiful. You just have to know how to look. And I’m not even referring to inner beauty. I have learned to look into a person’s eyes and see how they sparkle when they talk about something that interests them, how they smile when they see something that makes them happy, how their lips move, or how their eyebrows dance.

Things (or people) are beautiful not because they’re perfect; they’re beautiful because you see them as such.

Middle Earth

The thought of going on a road trip to New Zealand in less than two months fills me with excitement. My boyfriend and I have been planning this adventure since January and since then my dreams have been of enchanting landscapes.

I have heard so much about this place and seen hundreds and hundreds of captivating shots on Instagram. To say that I’m eagerly counting down the days is an understatement. What could be a more thrilling way to spend your summer vacation than fly halfway across the globe where it’s winter time? I don’t know about you but that fascinates me to no end.

The itinerary is set, cars reserved, and hotels booked. All that’s left to be done is buy the plane tickets. I know that things could still change between now and then. Some circumstances are unavoidable and I have prepared my heart for the alternative. But I believe in a God who can make a way in the desert, part the oceans, and make the sun stop in its tracks. Unless He says, “Don’t go,” I will keep on walking along the path I’m in right now.

Middle Earth, see you soon!