I’m Getting Married

Finally I wrote it down! I’m getting married in the summer of 2011. The name of the groom is still unknown but I can feel it in my bones that it’s going to happen because this year, I’m getting engaged.

You have to laugh at my thoughts sometimes. It takes me far and wide and not even the cracks are spared. Marriage is one of those things that I don’t feel is a requirement for a happy life but something that I’d want to experience. When I was a teenager, I told myself that I won’t tie myself down ’till I’m 35. But back then, you have to understand, I had the wrong concept of marriage. I concluded, from observing other marriages, that it was something that would take away my freedom. But the more I was exposed to families who had God-centered values, suddenly marrying the man I’m destined to be with for the rest of my life has become a very appealing prospect.

At the risk of sounding desperate, I had to give God a deadline. Hahahaha. He did say “ask and you shall receive”, didn’t He. And this is just me taking Him up on His offer.

I wonder how I’d look like married. I’ve been single for too long I don’t know how I’d look with a man for an accessory. It’s weird but I always imagined myself being married to a well-built man but right now I’m convinced that I’m ending up with this 5′ 4″ guy that I know who’s a bit wanting in the physique department. But he’s smart and funny and more importantly, he’s my destiny (or at least I think he is), so I’m willing to edit my mental pictures of our wedding day.

Most women imagine the day of their weddings. What they would wear, who will be there, the venue, the food, etc. If thoughts are covered by the law of the land, I would have committed polygamy many times over. Everytime I’m crushing on someone, I would imagine us exhanging vows before God and the people we love. But for some reason, those mental exercises never take me to the wedding night or to the day after. I guess I’m just a silly romantic whose willing to enjoy the euphoric sound of wedding bells but not have the balls to think about the not-so-glam images of married life.

Is my heart in the right place? Or am I really just not willing to forego the wedding experience which is why I have resorted to writing down wedding dates (and designing wedding gowns, decorating the venue, making a guest list, listing activities…). Sigh.

Oh well, my dear readership of 10 (at least I hope there’s at least 10 of you), I guess we’ll just have to wait for 2011 to find out.

Beautiful and Wonderful

I read about Gideon today in the book of Judges and I see so much of myself in him. Gideon is not a strong man. He said so himself. He’s the least among his brothers and he belongs to the weakest tribe in Israel. But God chose him to deliver his people from the Midianites who have oppressed them.

God chooses the foolish things, the weak, the insignificant. So that when victory is won, no one can boast but only God will be glorified. So if you’re battling against insecurity today, remember that regardless of how you assess yourself, God sees value in you. Gideon thought poorly of himself but God thought otherwise.

How many times have we allowed people to make us look down on ourselves? Too skinny. Too fat. Too clumsy. Too stupid. We take the opinion of others as gospel truth, especially when 2 or more confirms it. And so much so when we agree. Before we knew it, we start comparing ourselves with others and how we can never seem to measure up.

Let us look to the cross. Everything that matters is reflected right there. If God didn’t think us too ugly to die for, what gives us (or other people) the right to contradict Him. Beautifully and wonderfully made, that’s what we are. Let’s start with that truth.

How do you love the unlovable?

Everytime I’m tempted to think ill of someone who doesn’t even try to hide his contempt for me, I remind myself that The Blood was shed for him too. How can I hate him without hurting the One who loves him to the point of death? How can I say bad things about him behind his back without in effect mocking the One who died for him?

It’s easy to judge someone, especially when virtue couldn’t be found. How can you help from saying something when deceit and corruption are the only things observable in a person? But at the foot of the cross, no one is more righteous than the other. God sent His only Son to the world. Not just to a select few, but even (mostly) to the crooked politician, the abusive parent, the dishonest doctor, etc.

To love the unlovable, I believe, is the most heroic thing that a person can do. I guess that’s why Jesus COMMANDED us to love one another. He didn’t just SUGGEST it. I wonder what the world would be like if people simply chose who to love and not bother about those who they find disagreeable. But come to think of it, isn’t that what’s happening right now? And we wonder why violence and war is the norm.

I couldn’t count the number of times I have asked God to help me love one particular person. For almost a year, I have tried to see what’s good about him. I needed to see something that would take him to the lovable side of the spectrum. But the more I tried the more his deceitfulness, pride, close-mindedness, greed, and self-righteousness are magnified. I found that I disliked him more and more. Then one day, I realized that I was doing it wrong. You don’t love someone because of his nice traits. You don’t accept him for his good deeds. You love him just because. You love him because it’s the right thing to do. You love him because Jesus loves him.

That isn’t as easy as it sounds. Ask anyone who has pet peeves. Ask an abused daughter, or a citizen of a third-world country ruled by a corrupt president. But we have to try. We have to ask God to change our hearts so He can love the unlovable through us. After all, it’s not by our own might and strength of conviction that will enable us to do this. And thank God, it’s not. Otherwise, love is a lost cause.

End of the world?

According to the Mayans, the world will end on December 12, 2012. Whether we’d choose to believe it or not, doesn’t matter. I think the question we should be asking ourselves is not whether the rumors are true but whether we are ready. I am. Should the world or my life end tomorrow, I know I am ready to meet my God, my creator, my savior.

Let us examine ourselves. Is this “deadline” stirring a fear in our hearts? If so, then what is causing that fear? Are you aware of a sin in your life that you are not ready to let go? You want to be right with God but at the same time you can’t say goodbye to your adulterous affair or to your perversions? Are you afraid of dying? Not knowing where you’re headed?

God said that we should all be ready because we do not know the day or the hour of His coming. Let’s get all our affairs in order. Read the Bible. What is God saying to you about THAT relationship? About your sexual preferences? About your addiction? God loves you. John 3:16 says, “For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not die but have life everlasting.” He knows that on your own, you can’t win the battle against sin. That’s why He sent Jesus. He died for you so you don’t have to. All you need to do is accept Him as your personal Lord and Savior. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” Jesus is the answer!

With Jesus, you can weather anything. All fear will be gone. For He is love and He is perfection. Perfect love casts away all fear. You have a divine appointment. Don’t be late.

In The Storm

Things happen. Four months ago, someone stole my wallet. Last month, I was stalked. And last week, someone tried to grab my cellphone. From a certain standpoint, it seemed I have been dealt an unlucky hand, 3 times in a row. It’s a good thing that I don’t believe in luck, bad or otherwise.

Thirteen years ago, I have decided to stop being a “Wednesdays and Sundays” Christian and give my whole life to Him instead. It wasn’t a hard decision to make. But staying committed to that decision was. Several times in my life, I was challenged by the world and by the enemy in not so subtle ways like that time when I thought the door of destiny was finally opening up when suddenly it was slammed on my face without preamble. I heard the voices in my head saying, “Where is your God now?” And I must admit, I didn’t know the answer to that question back then. I was so disillusioned that I started challenging God. Why would He cause me to suffer such a terrible heartache? Didn’t I obey Him to the letter? I prayed. I fasted. I obeyed. My heart and my faith was in shambles. Don’t ask me how I got over it, but somehow I did. But my relationship with Him was very strained. All because I didn’t understand and I didn’t know how to pray when it seemed that all my prayers were in vain if He was going to go ahead and do things His way anyway.

I have come a long way since that time. There are still a lot of things I couldn’t explain but I now understand that being a follower of Christ doesn’t mean you are not going to find yourself caught in a storm or hopeless situations. Whether we believe in Him or not, we’ll all have our share of tribulations. The difference between me and the atheist next door, I know I can find Jesus in the storm.

Anchor Me

I imagine anchors are big. They should be, right? Sometimes I wish I was born to an obscenely rich clan if only to have the privilege of owning a big yacht so I can see for myself how big anchors really are. Yeah, it does sound juvenile but I have been fascinated by anchors since I learned how to sing “Popeye the sailor man”. I couldn’t draw a lot of things but I can draw them with my eyes closed.

No, I am not into sailing (at least, not yet) and I have not travelled by boat often enough, so real-life anchors have eluded me so far. But I did learn a few details from the websites of companies who make them.

The bigger your vessel, the bigger the anchor. Of course. However, it’s not just the size of the boat that they take into consideration. Wind, water surge, and the holding bottom also figure into the calculation. That got me thinking about the parallels of that sizing principle in real life.

A CEO of the biggest bank in the world (big boat) anchored by the size of his 401K (small anchor), a famous movie star (big boat) anchored by adoring fans (small anchor), a published author (big boat) anchored by his talent (small anchor)… me (small boat) anchored by a BIG God (big anchor). Who would you rather be?

FATHER, I AM SMALL AND THE SLIGHTEST OF WINDS SHAKE ME, RIG, SAILS, AND HULL. BUT YOU HAVE ANCHORED ME INTO SOMETHING FAR DEEPER THAN YOUR HEART ALL THE WAY TO THE VERY CORE. SO THOUGH THE SEAS ARE ROUGH AND THE WIND UNKIND, I SHALL STAY AFLOAT, WITH MY BILGE EXPOSED (MAYBE), BUT FLOATING. SO I SHALL KEEP PRAISING YOU, EVEN IN THE STORM.

Dysfunctional

A few years ago, a friend of mine (actually, one of my crushes) confided in me that he was in love with a certain girl. He prayed for her and asked for signs if they were meant to be together. I did that once before over a guy I so wanted to marry. All the signs pointed to a YES, mind you. But the guy turned out to be a NO. He just wasn’t the one for me. And that’s exactly what’s happening to my friend now.

A few months ago, the girl announced her engagement. My first thought was, “Yes!” Not because I want him for myself (although that may be true in some way) but because I have always felt it in my guts that they weren’t made for each other. I tried to tell him not to hope too much because although the signs said so, it may still not turn out the way he wanted it to. As it goes, I was right.

However, prior to this engagement, he was courting another girl whom I was also convinced is not the one for him. When I heard about their relationship, I was a little sad (of course), but I wanted them to work just so he’d forget the other one. Well, you guessed it. I was right again. When they separated I had a feeling that he was back to mooning over that other girl. I thought I was probably wrong but when he didn’t say anything when the engagement was announced (no comment whatsoever), that confirmed my suspicions.

I’m still waiting for him to bring the subject up. I wanted to ask him so badly out of curiousity (ok fine, I have other motives) but I’m afraid I might just add insult to injury.

What does it matter anyway? I figured that perhaps I’m not the girl for him either. I’m cool with that. I have tried several times to purge him from my system but just when I thought I’m clean, something happens and I allow myself to get into the same illusion all over again. I have never felt this before. He’s not Mr. Perfect. In fact there’s more to hate than to love. I guess I’m plain dysfunctional.

The Day I Learned To Define Adventure

I have convinced myself that I am the type of person who loves adventure. As I took stock, I realized that apart from the occasional roller coaster ride, the impromptu trips to other places, and my love for travel, I have not really lived a life of adventure. Such an existence involves risk.

Last Sunday, my roommate and I went to eat at our favorite Japanese/Asian Fusion restaurant. I have been to that place a lot but I realized that of their 50 something dishes, I have only tried 7. I have always thought that it’s because I couldn’t stand food waste. I make sure that I only buy food that I know I will like and not end up throwing to the garbage. I didn’t pause to consider that maybe I don’t have an adventurous palate.

When it comes to relationships, I am not one who collects friends. My circle is not that big. I can count in one hand the number of souls I can trust my life with. Like I said in a previous post, I’m something of an anti-social. But I will go to the ends of the earth with the handful of friends that I have. They’re golden.

I’m not sure if my conclusion could be attributed to the fact that I don’t have a spirit of adventure or that I see it the wrong way. Perhaps, it’s really not about thrill rides or being lost in a new place. Adrenaline-pumping activities may really not be the soul of it. Isn’t walking out the front door to go to work everyday not an adventure in itself? Isn’t life itself an adventure considering that nothing remains the same? Change is an adventure!

All I know is that I may prefer being safely cocooned in my comfort zone, I don’t necessarily shy away from all things new. I may not be out there exploring the wildlife of America, but I walk along the streets of Times Square everyday hoping to God I don’t get trampled in a stampede. So yeah, I guess adventure is how you see it.

Calamity In Manila, Philippines

Manila is flooded. One would think that being a commercial hub, the city’s government would’ve been prepared for such scenarios like a better drainage system. Apparently that never made it to the priorities list. How utterly irresponsible. Now, hundreds have lost their homes while others their lives.

I couldn’t shake this feeling of deja vu. Something closer to home happened a few years ago. In Louisiana and New Orleans to be exact. These things don’t just happen. The hurricanes and the typhoons may not be in our hands to control but there are things that are. And anybody, even those who don’t have degrees in rocket science, can tell what those are. However moot the point is, I just wanted to throw it out there so it won’t fester in my thoughts like a bad relationship.

If there’s anything good that comes out in casualties like these, it’s that people draw nearer to God or whatever higher power they recognize. It’s also a litmus test of the human spirit. Sadly, we don’t always concern ourselves with the deity nor do we bother our pretty little heads with our neighbors when everything is all nice and dandy. Altruism is simply not the default mode in most people.

For those would like to help the victims of the flooding in Manila, Philippines, you can call the American Red Cross at 1-800-435-7669 or through any of the following websites:

Kapuso Foundation

Philippine Aid

Anti-social

I don’t know exactly when it started. Probably it was when I moved to New York. Or perhaps I have always been subconsciously anti-social. I never had difficulty dealing with people. Somehow, I always found a way to handle situations in society. But, to say that I love being around acquaintances is a stretch.

A week ago, an internet friend wanted to meet me while she was visiting the city. I was excited and apprehensive at the same time. All of a sudden, I didn’t know how to interact with someone I barely know. Sure, we shared some secrets in our blogs and exchanged ideas and well-wishes, and I do feel a form of kinship with her. But why was I so scared? In the end, I had dinner with her and all my fears were for naught. Although I am not saying I have overcome my fear of meeting new people, at least meeting F proved that people are really not scary.

Today, a former schoolmate asked me if I wanted to join her and a few others for dinner one Saturday. I had to qualify my “yes”. I so want to reconnect with them, even though I barely knew them back then. But yeah, I’m wondering how I’m supposed to survive the night without embarrassing myself or alienating anyone. Isn’t it weird that at my age I still have stage fright (for lack of a better term)?

So my dear silent readers, whoever you are, please pray for me, that I might come out of this with my dignity intact and without committing a faux pax that would send me in social hibernation for the rest of my life.